pay for your sins....

Yesterday, i was feeling a bit down (and exhausted from working something like 20+ hours in 30 hrs time), and decided to partake in some retail therapy.  as i went in and out the stores, i approached rite aid to get some toiletries.  as i head in some older man approached me and tried to say something to me....he had - what appeared to be - a bad stutter or some kind of speech impediment.  he didn't make any sense.  there were merely sounds and no actual intelligible words heard.  i looked at this man as if he was a freak, and undoubtedly gave him a very stank look.    (this area - as most of my town - is known to have a lot of street beggars or whatever the PC title is these days.....they are very common.)

as i walked around rite aid, i started to think......gee, that was a really mean look i gave that guy.   i could have chosen to just walk away, there was no reason for the nasty look i gave him. it was really unkind. damn, i'm a real fucking jerk. 

i finished up my purchases at the store, and get $5 back from the clerk.  i leave the store and looked around for my stuttering friend.  i saw him & handed him the $5.  he tried to utter out something.  i just winked at him and walked away.

i didn't do it to be kind to the man.  i did it cause i felt like a jerk, and needed to right that wrong.  but still it didn't.  all i was doing was paying for my sin......

hey you! don't make your problem MY problem!

so as some of you know i work (as a bartender) at large arena for very well know professional teams in hockey & basketball. 

tonight, i had a guest come to the bar with a tray full of food, and asked for 2 beers.  i get them for him.  he asks if i have a tray for the beers.  alas, i do not.  "well, i only have to hands here!"  he responds.  well, ass, i'm not the one who bought a tray of food and ordered 2 beers.  we resolved the situation, but that is not the point.

i was thinking how i hate when someone else tries to make their problem your problem.  and i was thinking how this has been an ongoing issue in my life:  taking on other people's problems.  well, i think i had an epiphany tonite. i'm no longer taking on other's problems.  my ex had no where to live, so i took him in (even though he broke my heart), then my ex couldn't get to his doc appts, so i drive him.  i have 100's of examples (with a lot of other people), but you get the picture.

i always want to fix everything and help everyone, that's just who i am.  but i have to start to realize......i just can't save everyone when i spend almost zero time on saving myself.

i got your back, R....

last weekend when i was up in salem, a local male cop "R" got into a fatal car accident in next town over, while off duty.  while R (the cop) survived, the accident took the life of an 82 year old woman.

i've known R for over 15 years now.  while we didn't always get along, he always seemed to be a stand up guy.  two years ago, when MA (another local cop) was shot to death - R was standing right next to him.  R and the whole PD took the loss very hard.  we all did.  (i dated MA briefly in high school.)  it was truly sad, with him leaving behind a wife and 3 young children (none of them were over the age of 5.)  his wife is still struggling with the loss of MA.  she truly loved him; he was the love of her life.  wife & other jc cops have set up a foundation for MA and she goes on retreats with other wives who have lost their husbands, she participates in many pba events, etc.  all along, many of the PD have been beside her the whole time....one of these people was R.   (after the whole incident with MA being shot, i reach out to R to see how he was....he called me a day later at midnight to see if i wanted to take a ride with him....just to talk.  he was heartbroken over the incident, it seemed surreal to him.....we hung out in a park & talked til 3am.)

last week, when i read the news upon my return from salem, i was devastated.  is the emergency services unit of JC cursed?!   i tried to reach out to R, he didn't respond, but he's had a concussion, trying to fight off the newspapers, etc.  i understand how/why he hasn't responded.  i texted a mutual friend today to see how R is doing.  he advised R is home for 6 weeks with some bruises and broken bones.  he has no recollection of the incident.  what mutual friend suggested is that MA's wife should go public, and stand behind R. public needs to know that R was not some jerk-off cop, but a stand up guy.  i tell mutual friend that i am not that close to wife, but i will mention it to her. i originally hesitated cause i thought the accident would hit too close to home for her.  mutual friend insists that it is appropriate and that R has been there for wife all along, and now it's time for her to be there for him.  i understand.  i send off a message.

i have no idea what happened that day with R... i do know he has always tried to do the right thing.  he has always been a good friend to our mutual friend.  he has been there for wife.  R was not drinking/drunk during the accident.  i feel badly that that woman died.  it is a shame.  the whole incident is a shame.  i just hope R can find some peace.

mind-fucker!

today, i inform my boss (i lovingly refer to him as "gm" for general manager) that the cleanse i started on wednesday has shown some results already:  i've lost 6 lbs.  hard to believe, but that is what the scale is telling me.  i am/was doing this cleanse to "jump start" a (dare i say it??) diet.  i won't go crazy, i've done this before with pretty good results (i was once over 200 lbs and it stayed off for years)...but in the last year or so, i've gotten sloppy and many of those 50 lbs have come back.  well, i won't have it.

as all the managers sat down to eat lunch today, my gm who hasn't had lunch (or breakfast, for that matter) in weeks.  he has lost 20 lbs.   of course, i don't believe in his way of dieting via starvation - but it's not for me to say.  as he's eating some fancy quesadilla concoction he made himself in the kitchen, he asks me how my pear is....a few minutes later he's laughing at me eating carrots.....you get the picture.

he decides to put a bet on the table:  we weigh ourselves on monday (at work) and then the following monday, whoever loses more weight in that week - wins.  (he's putting up $200 - i only have to put up $20).  i only plan on doing this cleanse for a week.  if i do it that long, it'll be 5 more days of me not having pizza.....super sigh.....

my friend was trying to give me suggestions on how to win this bet.  i told him that gm has already won.  if he loses, he only loses $200 - but he still had the power to make me do something i didn't want to do (he knew i only wanted to do the cleanse for 7 days).  if he wins, he gets $20 and still the satisfaction of knowing i was killing myself trying to "beat" him.  my friend's response was, "damn, he's such a mind fuck."  indeed he is.

now, wish me luck. ;-)

but, but....i'm still working on LAST year's resolution!

so last year i promised myself that i would finally making my health a priority.  i'm no longer a kid...or hell, even in my twenties.  i think i have this late bloomer thing going on, since i still have this "nothing's gonna happen to me" attitude.  it is what it is.

so i got my blood test back today & decided to go online to interpret the results.  (i see my shrink in 2 1/2 weeks who can explain this further to me.)  apparently, i have a low red blood count, "borderline" high cholesterol,  and my glucose is low (indicating hypoglycemia).  when did i become an "adult" with these problems that adults have?  cruel world, you have not prepared me for this.

(i'm now looking online to see how to remedy these situations, and getting some good info, i think. ) 

just the other day i was thinking i haven't resolved to do anything this year, and since i did follow through with my resolution last year (finally got into therapy, starting working on my teeth, and saw some other doctors here & there), i was thinking this resolution thing works for me.  i should try it again.  alas, with this report i received today, looks like i have a lot more work on my hands regarding last year's resolution. 

i decided this isn't exactly a bad thing.  it seems that if i eat more "regularly" (i'm bad about finding time to eat) and lose a few pounds, that some of these issues may resolve on their own.   so maybe my resolution is to simply finish last year's resolution.   happy new year, everyone.

how do i get out of here?!?!

had a dream last nite that i was leaving vegas (i think)...i just recall it was some large flashy hotel and i was with a friend...  i was lost on how to get to the airport, it was something like i had to cut thru the hotel and then find the right door/corridor to get to my flight. 

as i'm cutting thru the hotel, the SAG (screen actors guild) awards was going on.  i was cutting thru the sections, lot of people seated, and i notice that the ushers are all famous actors (and they're all dressed to the nines!).   since we're so lost, i finally decide to ask one of the actors if they can tell me the way out so i can get to my flight...  (I also ask them if they are required to usher the event.)  the actor who i stopped wasn't very helpful (nor did i recognize her)...i remember her just prattling on about the awards ceremony.

getting annoyed with this...i grab my friend and just dart out a door.....i wake up.

i thought about the dream cause it's not the first time i've dreamt about trying to get somewhere i can't seem to get to.  i implore the various people on my path to help me (friends/strangers), but to no avail.  there is no doubt i'm lost, and no one seems interesting in helping me.  i often feel like i'm talking to myself.

can't help but wonder about these dreams....

i see dead people.....

well, not really.   but do you?  i figure being my favorite time of the year, it's a good time to bring it up.  

that fancy box with all those pretty colors in my living room has plenty of shows on this exact topic.  there's paranormal state, ghost hunters, psychic kids, etc.  my personal favorite is "the haunted" on animal planet.  i know it's strange that animal planet has a ghost show....but hands down, it's the best one i've seen in recent history.  (one particular episode had me so frightened, i actually had to call a friend at 2am to calm me down....)

but i guess what i'm really afraid of is this being real.  are there dead people walking around us all the time?  of course, many scoff at such an idea.  but if they do exist, why are they still here?  i believe that to be the $64,000 question.

i personally have never seen/heard a ghost/spirit, but i have certainly felt one.  years ago, a friend of mine moved to a new apartment in central jersey.  i visited and stayed there frequently.  almost from day one....i felt something watching me...some kind of presence (to the point where i would look behind me to see if it was my friend's husband but no one was there.)  i brushed it off.  this happened time & time again.  every time i went to a certain part of the apartment, i felt something.  it was driving me nuts.  finally one day i approached my friend & her husband, "ok....i know this is gonna sound crazy, but hear me out...."  and i proceed to explain this feeling i was experiencing.  the husband nearly fell off the couch, and sighed so loudly with relief, "i am SO glad you said that! i've been wanting to say something for months!"  apparently, he had exactly seen this presence....  he described her to me.  i told him i know nothing of this presence i feel...it's just a feeling, like i'm being watched in this certain part of the apartment (close to where he had seen this presence.)

eventually, my friend had a "psychic party" (where a psychic comes to the house, a bunch of people come over, and pay something like $20 for 15/20 to sit & talk to the psychic). this psychic spoke with the husband (and all of us) saying he knows that this spirit is there, she means no harm, and described what she looked like - the husband agreed with the description.  we were all a little surprised.  i actually said, "shut the fuck up!"  he didn't respond well to this.  

later, he gave me a reading.  everything this man said, came true (except one thing)..... things he said i actually laughed at, cause i would have put MONEY on it that it would not happen, and yet they did.  this man truly made a believer of me in his abilities.

all this said.... i'm not hoping to meet anyone new anytime soon......