how do i get out of here?!?!

had a dream last nite that i was leaving vegas (i think)...i just recall it was some large flashy hotel and i was with a friend...  i was lost on how to get to the airport, it was something like i had to cut thru the hotel and then find the right door/corridor to get to my flight. 

as i'm cutting thru the hotel, the SAG (screen actors guild) awards was going on.  i was cutting thru the sections, lot of people seated, and i notice that the ushers are all famous actors (and they're all dressed to the nines!).   since we're so lost, i finally decide to ask one of the actors if they can tell me the way out so i can get to my flight...  (I also ask them if they are required to usher the event.)  the actor who i stopped wasn't very helpful (nor did i recognize her)...i remember her just prattling on about the awards ceremony.

getting annoyed with this...i grab my friend and just dart out a door.....i wake up.

i thought about the dream cause it's not the first time i've dreamt about trying to get somewhere i can't seem to get to.  i implore the various people on my path to help me (friends/strangers), but to no avail.  there is no doubt i'm lost, and no one seems interesting in helping me.  i often feel like i'm talking to myself.

can't help but wonder about these dreams....

i see dead people.....

well, not really.   but do you?  i figure being my favorite time of the year, it's a good time to bring it up.  

that fancy box with all those pretty colors in my living room has plenty of shows on this exact topic.  there's paranormal state, ghost hunters, psychic kids, etc.  my personal favorite is "the haunted" on animal planet.  i know it's strange that animal planet has a ghost show....but hands down, it's the best one i've seen in recent history.  (one particular episode had me so frightened, i actually had to call a friend at 2am to calm me down....)

but i guess what i'm really afraid of is this being real.  are there dead people walking around us all the time?  of course, many scoff at such an idea.  but if they do exist, why are they still here?  i believe that to be the $64,000 question.

i personally have never seen/heard a ghost/spirit, but i have certainly felt one.  years ago, a friend of mine moved to a new apartment in central jersey.  i visited and stayed there frequently.  almost from day one....i felt something watching me...some kind of presence (to the point where i would look behind me to see if it was my friend's husband but no one was there.)  i brushed it off.  this happened time & time again.  every time i went to a certain part of the apartment, i felt something.  it was driving me nuts.  finally one day i approached my friend & her husband, "ok....i know this is gonna sound crazy, but hear me out...."  and i proceed to explain this feeling i was experiencing.  the husband nearly fell off the couch, and sighed so loudly with relief, "i am SO glad you said that! i've been wanting to say something for months!"  apparently, he had exactly seen this presence....  he described her to me.  i told him i know nothing of this presence i feel...it's just a feeling, like i'm being watched in this certain part of the apartment (close to where he had seen this presence.)

eventually, my friend had a "psychic party" (where a psychic comes to the house, a bunch of people come over, and pay something like $20 for 15/20 to sit & talk to the psychic). this psychic spoke with the husband (and all of us) saying he knows that this spirit is there, she means no harm, and described what she looked like - the husband agreed with the description.  we were all a little surprised.  i actually said, "shut the fuck up!"  he didn't respond well to this.  

later, he gave me a reading.  everything this man said, came true (except one thing)..... things he said i actually laughed at, cause i would have put MONEY on it that it would not happen, and yet they did.  this man truly made a believer of me in his abilities.

all this said.... i'm not hoping to meet anyone new anytime soon......

The beginnings of healing......

in attempt of following my "new year's resolution" of taking care of my health this year, i have visited many, many doctors:

• teeth cleaning, tooth pulled, couple of cavities filled, much, much more dental work to come.... (my jaw is deteriorating....awesome.)
• regular doc visit resulted in ordering of blood work. blood work that the hospital seems to not want to do for me, as every time i try to file the paperwork for charity care, they need something else.
• ob/gyn....everything a.o.k....though she keeps pushing for this mammogram thing.....i told her that's for old people. ;-P    (also, suggested i check out my thyroid.  wtf is that anyway?)
• found a program to get me a free eye exam (did i mention my retina is becoming detached?) and free eye glasses...YAY!   (ps. this doc saw nothing wrong with the retina....maybe a wrong diagnosis originally.)
• mental health:  regular doc referred to another local hospital.... this hospital i like.  the charity care process was considerably easier, and i was very, very fortunate to get approved for 100%:  truly a God-send.   so, i've had a few visits with the therapists so far and finally got to the pyschiartrist....which put me on meds.  meds that have been making me incredibly sleepy.  (do they not realize depressives already are lethargic???)  supposedly the sleepiness will pass within a few weeks.  (fingers crossed.)
• also, got two HIV tests this year....a friend was diagnosed earlier this year, so we all went to be safe.

i have a long, long way to go....as i still haven't finished the mouth....just started the therapy....and still have to check this pain in my foot which makes it very painful to walk (i swear i'm 90 some days....)

maybe i just wrote this out to show myself that i've accomplished quite a bit....instead of focusing on what hasn't gotten done yet.